at last a positive thing in this soul sucking thing! I think i still kind of feel insecure about the talking part, but i am much more better than before. the enlightment of “so wait, why should i be ashamed of talking a lot, i have plenty of stuff that i want to share with others, or i really want people to understand the real me” and then i stopped shutting up whenever someone tells me to do so, though i gradually stop talking that much with the poeple who told me to shut up. now this really destroyed me for a really long time. i need to shut up because i talk a lot, i need to stop because no one cares, i need to shut up because other people says so. when i was little, all i heard from both my friends and my family was shut up. I really cannot shut up even when i’m writing can i? oh, i really talk A LOT and this is basically my most treasured characteristic along with my passion. so most of my time, i am trying not to think about it. well, most of my problems are caused by my major, mostly me thinking i am not suited for it, other people that make me feel like i am not suited to it, i don’t even now what can i do beside from this because i don’t even have a dream job or a field that i will absolutely love or be really succesful, and with this situation, every major will be like management. people see a weird girl from outside, who is constantly hyped about something silly like animes, or some kpop group (common reaction, i believe both of them are awesome) and they see a girl who is too childish and jesus how come she is a university student? i don’t even thing i belong to the university life, and i am not even talking about my major. i look totally out of place in the people who study management, constanly talking with loud voice because, well i cannot speak in a low voice. well first things first, nobody likes me because i am cheerful, and nobody certainly likes me before they get to know me. she also told me that she doesn’t have as much friends as i do, and she has a stern look from the outside so she is in disadvantage. So my friend tried to encourage me, telling me that i am a really cheerful person, people like me and i have lots of friends, and it will be helpful in my carreer (by the way i am studying management). it’s not like i sometimes get really anxious about my problems- i sometimes get calm not thinking about my problems, or thinkin them so hard that i gradually become calm. well, i don’t because thoughts unintentionally popping out in my mind doesn’t really in my hands. ![]() ![]() ![]() I was talking to one of my best friends 2 days ago, and she said that i somehow always find something to worry about. i constantly feel like i am only living this life not because i wanted to, but i somehow got this life and didn’t even question if i wanted it or not. now this is my last year and i am supposed to graduate from university and i have absolutely no clue what i will, or even want to do with my life. when people look at me from the outside, they see a girl that can achieve almost everything, and they have, especially my family, have really high expectations from me. i mean, i wasn’t particularly bad at my school, i went to the best high school in my city, and i am now in one of the best universities in my country, though it is private i am not paying anything beause of my scholarship. i was insecure with my brain, and honestly this is where my problems come. i was insecure with my look when i was in middle school, though it was probably the smallest thing that i feel insecure. I have always been an insecure person, and in every possible field of my life.
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